Time Flies

Today is Ansley's 5th Birthday. It seems like yesterday,how cliche', that I called my sister to come watch the boys while I ran into the hospital to be monitored. I assumed I was overreacting but had not thought about what would happen next. I went to triage and they hooked me up to the monitors. I expected to get a simple shot of terbutline to stop my contractions, just like all the other times, after all I was only 32 weeks along. I went to the hospital alone. I did not even tell Jeff. I was on the monitors about 5 minutes when three nurses stormed through the door rolled me to my side and started an iv. This all happened in a matter of seconds. My baby's heart rate had dropped below 60. They started medicine through my iv and her heart rate went up. The nurse then told me I needed to call someone to be with me. I knew there was something wrong I just didn't know how serious. I called my Mom and Jeff. My Mom's best friend answered the phone at work and did not let my Mom talk to me she simply said, "Okay, Jennifer I will tell your Mom everything is fine but she needs to be with you." Thank goodness Marianne handled this so delicately because I am not sure my Mom would have been able to handle details about Ansley's heart rate and drive.

We had several more episodes of her heart rate dropping throughout the day and into the night. The perinatologist came in and said they were discharging me from the hospital. She said I was overreacting and I would be okay. My Mom panicked and I cried. As we were talking to her there was another significant deceleration. She left the room and met with my nurse.Somehow the nurses had lost my strips that showed the decelerations and she only had seen the good part of the monitoring strip. My perinatologist came back into the room. She stated that there was a change in plan. I would receive 2 days of steroid shots to help mature Ansley's lungs and she would be delivered on the 2oth. She said she would forward her recommendations to my doctor. I would remain on bed rest in the hospital until then.

Later that evening, the doctor who was on call for my own doctor came in and said that my Dr. would not want to wait two days because he had to many Christmas parties and the 20th was to close to the holidays. He said I would deliver on the 18th. That only gave me one shot of steroids.

We met with the neonatologist that evening. He went over what we could expect. The words came out and I understood what he was saying intellectually. However, I had not a clue what I would experience emotionally. WHEW! The emotions are so fresh.

Jeff was finishing up his finals for his Master's Degree and he had a final scheduled for that afternoon, go figure, he made it there literally minutes before they wheeled me back. I have never been so scared in my life. I was scared that my dream of a baby girl was going to be more of a horrible tragedy than a reality.

As the surgery began I was suddenly relieved to hear Ansley cry as they took her out of my belly. I was excited to hear her cry because I knew she was breathing! I wanted to hold her and kiss her but that would not happen for several more days. She was whisked away.

I had talked to many parents who had children in the NICU. Everyone said the same thing, as long as they are not in the very back, critical care, it is not bad. Well, guess where my baby was? Weighing 3 pounds and 11 ounces and 16 inches long she was next to a 1lb baby . I remember the first time I saw her. I was so thankful that she was alive. I had no idea what was in store for us. I remember on her third day I saw her struggling to breathe and I was unsure she would make it. I asked the nurse,with a lump in my throat and tears streaming down,"Is she suffering?" She looked so awful that I actually thought that if she was suffering that I would rather her not be....(I can't even type it) The nurse told me that she was not suffering and that she would be better once she received surfactant therapy for her lungs.

Having a preemie is a roller coaster ride. For every success comes three setbacks. Ansley did wonderful but it was hell to get her through and she was a lucky one. She spent her first month in the NICU. I left the hospital on Christmas Eve. I was devastated to leave her there. I cried so much and I would have never made it without Jeff or my supportive family. I cried every day when I would leave her for the night. For everyone who thinks breastfeeding is hard imagine pumping every two hours with only a picture of your baby in front of you. It was awful. I called to check on her every night at 2. Just to make sure she was okay. There were more medical diagnosis and tests then I care to revisit. She weighed the same with only slight growth for a long time. Her daily weight checks were scary. She could not come home until she weighed 4 pounds and 6 ounces. The day that she finally weighed enough and we thought she was going to get to come home she had a bradychardia(spell?) and had to wait 3 more days and come home on an apnea machine. It seems like yesterday. When we finally got to bring her home we all were so excited for the boys to meet her. They were excited too. I barely got her in the door and Tyler sneezed all over her face. What an initiation!

Ansley has been my sickest kid. She has been hospitalized more times than I can count. I know it could always be worse. I know there is always someone out there that has it worse than we did. I just wanted to tell our story. I am thankful for the beautiful healthy daughter that I have today. All the stress is more than worth my Ansley. I am not sure that until Ansley has a daughter of her own will she truly know the love I have for her.

I can't believe she is 5 that means kindergarten next year!! Her family party is on Sunday and I will post pictures then. Tonight we are going to Chuck E Cheese, at her request, this is a tradition we started on Tyler's 1st birthday that stuck.

Happy Birthday Ansley!!